My Ramble

So the thirty’s so far, really have been dirty for me. I have tried internet dating for a mere 6 weeks, watched a bit porn for the first time and thought a lot more about fulfilling my sexual fantasy’s. In short I have had sex on the brain pretty much non-stop! I am sure my girlfriend’s are sick of my constant dirty confessions. What I find most fascinating is how other’s perceive sex.

Men assume they can make women happy based on what they themselves want in and bed and what their previous sexual liaison’s entailed. It’s interesting what you learn about other woman from bedding men. Some are starfish, some make no noise and give no direction, some dominate and always let their partner know what they need, some are boring, others frisky and open. 

I have also learnt a lot about men from my internet experience, a lot believe flirting, talking about sex openly with me or another girl when they are seeing someone ok - is it? Everyone is different but am sure their girlfriends would be hurt and angry if they found out:

I had a guy ask if he could buy my undies! What the f###!

Another guy tell me he wanted to cheat on his girlfriend (she didn’t know) and he could only meet during work hours but would be prepared to pull a sick day. Again what the f###!

Another guy stalk me and always pull out when we organised to meet.

And a guy who refused to send me his photo but wanted to have phone sex and send dirty texts.

Am I a looney magnet? 

There is some light at the end of the tunnel. I met my fuck buddy - or FB on the internet. He is quite normal and has helped me to understand myself and other women better in bed.  Encourages me to try new things (only if I want to) and believe’s like me that woman should be proud and open about enjoying sex. It is plurely no strings attached, physical encounters combined with respect and a genuine like for one another, all of which is incredibly refreshing. I’m shocked about how many men still want to believe that any woman they are serious about is virginal. Are we living in the dark ages? Personally I believe the more slutty your sexual partner is the more fun you will have - as long as it is safe!

Why is watching porn and being sexually active still so taboo?

I have been feeling a lot happier in the last month than I have in ages. For a while there (around Sept 06 - Nov 07) I was extreemly over worked, stressed and desperately unhappy. I had forgotten what a smile felt like and didn’t know how to be happy.

Things have changed so much. At least 4 times in the last 3 months I have randomly broken into a very broad smile whilst walking down the street for no reason other than feeling really good, feeling alive, like the world is my oyster. It is a fantastic feeling!

I am also loving the people I work with they are great for a laugh and brilliant company, it’s nice to really fit in, feel comfortable in a place you spend so much time at.

I am still loving my apartment it is my sanctuary and amazingly peaceful and homely.

I am not ready for a relationship but have had some casual no strings flings and for the first time in my life that feels great too.

I feel freedom, feel alive and am looking forward to what this year will bring. I haven’t been to the gym for about 3 weeks and am cool with it, people have been showering me with compliments. I am glowing, sparkling, partying and feeling the sexist I ever have. I am enjoying my body just the way it is. It makes a nice change…

Right after my last rant, I need to add I have actually met two people off the ID site who are great value, so I guess that makes it worth it. One I met in the flesh and he is great fun. The other I will be meeting this weekend. Neither are really my type but both are very genuine and kind which is paramount especially considering the treatment from the others!

I have actually decided that the particular ID site I am on maybe a little poisonous. All the men I have met are the same. They are extremely selfish, self absorbed, only after one thing, manipulative, have no idea how to talk to a woman accept when they are being dirty (which is often) and never apologize for their behavior no matter how out of order it is - oh and it can be. I may have to refrain from being involved any longer.

I have been asked many dirty and bizarre questions and have always responded truthfully and sincerely but have come to think that I may be too genuine for the site. I have also been abused a couple of times for responding truthfully.

I was into the psychology of it all for about a week. Found it interesting yet bizarre how the men on the site believe they can ask as many questions as they like, never letting you know too much about themselves but are very defensive and often aggressive if you respond with something they may not want to here! They are secretive, often cheating on their partners and are often very persistent thoroughly believing they are the best thing to ever happen to you. They rate themselves highly when the one’s I have met are not all that and most seem very shallow and narrow minded.

Men you are putting me off more and more, get a life, I can see why you are on this site!

I know it sounds like I am generalizing but I don’t believe I am. I guess I have been on the site for around 6-8 weeks and have chatted to or received emails from around 30 guys I think that’s enough along with the life experience I have to be a reasonable judge.

I am generally open to all new experiences but I don’t like the way this experience is f***ing with my head. Good luck to you all and maybe good riddance!!

Had a brilliant xmas break. Lot’s of sun, swimming, food and booze - loved it! I was in Sydney for 4 days then Waiheke for 3 days, best of both worlds.

I think I should have been voted most drunk on new years eve. There were 9 of us and I was on fire on NYE, drinking too fast, dancing and having a great time. Woke up with the old “shit I was drunk and silly” feelling. Also smoked cigs and lost my voice completely which made it easy to fulfill my NYE resolution to quit smoking, I started straight away! Feeling thoroughly relaxed, got a tan and am all good.
Accept am back at work now and man is it difficult to get motivated!

I have been continuing on with my ID (internet dating) escapades and apart from quite a lot of attention and fun on email not much has eventuated. I have meet three men offline and have mixed thoughts about the whole thing. It is an instant medium, fun and safe but I still am unsure as to how much people lie. I have also noticed that most of the men talk themselves up quite a lot. The three I have met have looked very different than expected but like anything in life it is about trial and error. Live or die, give it a crack I say! I am surprised about how many men are successful, have their own businesses, nice cars, houses but are online for whatever reason that may be. Unless I am Naive and they are good liars. I have seen one of the houses and two of the cars and they are flash…

Funny how you loose your inhabitions. Because people can’t see you, this makes me more honest. Also this continues into the meeting for me because I have nothing to hide, can choose to only tell people what I want and on my terms. I don’t owe anyone anything and if it doesn’t work out no-one gets hurt, they and I move on and try something or someone else.

It has also been a huge confidence booster having people compliment me and allowing myself to do more things for me and when I want to. Instead of having someone else to feel for and worry about in a relationship. I am single, am woman!

I know some people manage to give only as much as they want even when they share their life with someone but it is something I need to learn to do more. More for me, worry less about whether that suits other people or whether they will be hurt by my actions.

It is safe, no-one is getting hurt and it feels like a more honest, no strings attached type of fun for me right now as well as allowing myself to heal after my relationship breakup and boost my confidence. Allows me to trust my decisions for my life and the added bonus of some safe phone or safe physical sex. Bring it on!!

As long as I am sensible, safe, having fun without taking the world too seriously I think it is a healthy move for me right now. As I said before all the different varieties of people online are the same as the ones you meet everyday in the flesh. I am keeping my wits about me and enjoying myself for the first time in a long time. Welcome 2008 it’s gonna be a lot better than 2006/2007!!

Wondered why I have been getting so trashed lately when I go out. I realized it is because all the booze has been free (work or related xmas parties), I am single and I am a LUSH. With all the drinking, eating, gyming and working I have been doing am exhausted, so ready for a lie down. Bring on Xmas!

The internet is a weird and wonderful place. You can find or buy anything. Loose your inhibitions amongst strangers even if no-one knows your name or what you look like. You could spend hours at home surfing the net, could even become a little odd, struggle with reality if you spent too long online. Getting dry eyes and a dehydrated body. It’s all on tap but you make the call on how much it takes hold…

So I am now signed up to an online dating website. I really never saw myself doing anything like this. I thought people who were online dating were a bit weird, nerdy or desperate.

After trying it out for a week and not really getting anwhere I have established a few things. Yes there are strange people, desperate people, people just after one thing (you know what), nice average looking people, good looking arrogant people, same as everywhere else. There are liars, cheats, self raters and fun, genuine people. This is helping me, not to find friends or that special someone but helping me to feel more secure and confident about myself, I am a good looking, 31 year old who has a lot to offer. This is refreshing, a confidence boost.

The funny thing is people email you who you are not interested in and you email people who aren’t interested in you. But I am only in it incase I randomly meet a really nice or different genuine person, someone like me, nothing else…