My Ramble

So it had to happen sometime after the week I have had!I was out tonight and I told my very good friend whom I adore about my new relationship. She was pretty obvious about not being ecstatic. It threw me, I trust her and want her respect.Later I said so do you think I made the right decision by deciding to go out with him? Her answer was as long as you trust him. Then she told me she had seen him out getting cosy with another girl a few weeks earlier. I said we weren’t exclusive I knew he might being seeing other girls. She said that’s why I didn’t tell you. So I left it at that but am now feeling very different about the decision I have made.Fuck why is life so complicated? 

I have had an incredibly lucky week!

1. On Monday I went for another breast checkup and got the all clear. I still have 5 lumps but they haven’t grown any bigger in the last year and don’t look suspicious. Amazing as every-time I have walked out of that office I have had bad news!

2. I had a great offer, can’t discuss yet but will spill next week.

3. Tuesday I met up with my lover had an amazing night celebrating, with dinner, drinks, sex and a hotel room. I also asked him to go out with me.

4. Wednesday I won a necklace from Angela Daniel’s jewellery store, it’s really nice!

5. Thursday I caught up with my lover again and he said yes to going out among other things! So he went from my FB (fuck buddy) to my BF ( boyfriend)

So I got the all clear on the boobs, got a great offer for my future, won a necklace and gained a Boyfriend, let’s hope it doesn’t all come crashing down next week! Are horseshoes good luck (the necklace has one on it)?

So in short all is really good!!

I have given up for the 3rd time, It’s been 64 days. Fuck I wish SMOKING wasn’t so bad for you, I miss it already. I was only a social smoker and didn’t smoke heavily but I was still addicted, Arh a lovely Malborough light with a beer or wine, bliss.

I am feeling all sorts of mixed emotions today. It has still been frantic and exhausting at work, over the whole thing. Management aren’t supporting us and my opinion of them has greatly altered over the last two weeks.   Have spent the morning relaxing, setting up my new Mac which is gorgeous, talking on msn and doing washing. The rain is teaming down outside and I feel validated in my lazy Saturday pursuits. I now finally after many years out of design school have a Mac with all the latest design software can’t wait to create!    Still I feel emotionally drained after the last few weeks, long to have someone to share things with and feel close to again. Long to travel more and do what’s right for me, not be eaten up by society and the monsters lurking in the business world. Am I making any sense maybe I should go back to bed because I can or become a dumb blonde!   ciao 

I know I can run a successful business standing on my head and run it my way. I know I was born to be my own boss and have more freedom in my life for travel, so why is it so long in coming?

Why am I surrounded by morons who have no idea about money, who can’t communicate, who don’t notice what is going on around them? ARRRHHH. I am so fucking cross with the world right now!!!

It’s time to take back what has been mine all along, my dignity. I have been slaving away at work, am constantly stressed, not sleeping, missing the gym because I am exhausted and oh yes drinking.

Tomorrow I am going to suggest a meeting that may change things at work and it may not but if things don’t change then I will be forced to leave. Life is too short and when I let people push me too far then I become someone I hate. Something has gotta change.

The worst thing is that I wanna smoke cigarettes again, it’s been 49 days since my last one and I refuse to let work get the better of me by starting the habit up again.

 As for the men in my life I have been far too obliging, that’s going to stop, I am not a doormat even though I appear soft and agreeable I am certainly not. Even though I like sex and have been asking for not strings attached I am not a call gal and yet I feel like I am being treated like one. Maybe the men in my life are selfish because I let then be selfish? I am a sexy, intelligent woman who does know what she wants but often keeps it to herself, well hello world fucking look out I’m just getting started.

I am woman hear me roar loudly!!!

Arh the dreaded Valentine’s Day where all singleton’s are made to feel like leper’s. Bring it on! Am feeling particularly morbid and sarcastic today which is quite alien to my nature, the old VD brings out the best in me!! Perhaps it’s related to my last post?

They are such a disappointment to me at the moment. Do I want and expect too much? I know I am demanding and impatient but I also love being spontaneous, romantic, love thoughful gestures and for me giving is easy, everything is achievable and nothing is too difficult in my mind.  You just have to make the effort.

However I am constantly let down by the men I meet, everything is about what they want from the situation, nothing is spontaneous. I even find It difficult to just get sex from a man these days, I thought their brains were in their pants but no it turns out they are lazy, busy, tired, boring.

I used to, and still think I want to get married but have no idea whether anyone will excite me enough or really love me enough for me to commit. what has happened to the honeymoon period, it feels like one long curse full of cramps. Is it all too hard or maybe not hard enough? Is the modern man a non-event or am I just too demanding?

So the thirty’s so far, really have been dirty for me. I have tried internet dating for a mere 6 weeks, watched a bit porn for the first time and thought a lot more about fulfilling my sexual fantasy’s. In short I have had sex on the brain pretty much non-stop! I am sure my girlfriend’s are sick of my constant dirty confessions. What I find most fascinating is how other’s perceive sex.

Men assume they can make women happy based on what they themselves want in and bed and what their previous sexual liaison’s entailed. It’s interesting what you learn about other woman from bedding men. Some are starfish, some make no noise and give no direction, some dominate and always let their partner know what they need, some are boring, others frisky and open. 

I have also learnt a lot about men from my internet experience, a lot believe flirting, talking about sex openly with me or another girl when they are seeing someone ok - is it? Everyone is different but am sure their girlfriends would be hurt and angry if they found out:

I had a guy ask if he could buy my undies! What the f###!

Another guy tell me he wanted to cheat on his girlfriend (she didn’t know) and he could only meet during work hours but would be prepared to pull a sick day. Again what the f###!

Another guy stalk me and always pull out when we organised to meet.

And a guy who refused to send me his photo but wanted to have phone sex and send dirty texts.

Am I a looney magnet? 

There is some light at the end of the tunnel. I met my fuck buddy - or FB on the internet. He is quite normal and has helped me to understand myself and other women better in bed.  Encourages me to try new things (only if I want to) and believe’s like me that woman should be proud and open about enjoying sex. It is plurely no strings attached, physical encounters combined with respect and a genuine like for one another, all of which is incredibly refreshing. I’m shocked about how many men still want to believe that any woman they are serious about is virginal. Are we living in the dark ages? Personally I believe the more slutty your sexual partner is the more fun you will have - as long as it is safe!

Why is watching porn and being sexually active still so taboo?

I have been feeling a lot happier in the last month than I have in ages. For a while there (around Sept 06 - Nov 07) I was extreemly over worked, stressed and desperately unhappy. I had forgotten what a smile felt like and didn’t know how to be happy.

Things have changed so much. At least 4 times in the last 3 months I have randomly broken into a very broad smile whilst walking down the street for no reason other than feeling really good, feeling alive, like the world is my oyster. It is a fantastic feeling!

I am also loving the people I work with they are great for a laugh and brilliant company, it’s nice to really fit in, feel comfortable in a place you spend so much time at.

I am still loving my apartment it is my sanctuary and amazingly peaceful and homely.

I am not ready for a relationship but have had some casual no strings flings and for the first time in my life that feels great too.

I feel freedom, feel alive and am looking forward to what this year will bring. I haven’t been to the gym for about 3 weeks and am cool with it, people have been showering me with compliments. I am glowing, sparkling, partying and feeling the sexist I ever have. I am enjoying my body just the way it is. It makes a nice change…