I am feeling much better after the last post.
Remember this is a very honest diary that would usually be personal. So once stuff is written down It is out and usually dealt with by me. Ups and downs are normal in life and it is how we deal with them that matters. Nothing I feel is taken too seriously or effects me long term. I feel it, process it then throw the feeling away.
Today I feel magical, light and happy.
The crystal creating rainbows in my bedroom is helping!!
I have been off drinking for around 4 months.
I have got rid of my work stress and am enjoying my life in the now but there are always more mountains to climb…
I know that my relationship will go one of two ways….and i live in fear
We will grow closer together through the constantness of my progressing towards a happier life OR
We will grow apart because I will realize we are not heading in the same direction.
At the moment because I am not drinking I am noticing his drinking more - how much he drinks and how harmful it is to him. I don’t want to change him and I know I can’t. I feel like a nag and a bore. I feel like he sees me as no fun and i am jealous, worried he will find his drinking friends more fun than me. I feel sad because I can see he drinks to block out stress, he is not even there when is drunk as he drinks so much so quickly. I don’t want to watch him drinking anymore.
we are both very independent does this mean he will go out partying more and more and i will hibernate more? Will I start to resent him? he is also quite angry when he drinks which is not nice to be around because you can never say much without it being taken the wrong way. Am i going crazy? I never planned to give up drinking forever but I am enjoying not being drunk. It can be a bit of a lonely place though because there are so few of us non drinkers.
I am also becoming jealous and suspicious of him - characteristics i am not used to seeing in myself. we have one life in the morning/early afternoon (until his first drink) and we have another life after that. i feel like i need to be somewhere else when he is too drunk now because he is so obnoxious and embarrassing. If i re-bell against this other life at night and start to do my own thing will he get worse? will I eventually be happier doing other things? Will he miss me? am I too much of a control freak?
At the same time I feel pure, more joyous, less stressed, enjoy being on my own and a lot happier. but will he come with me or will we grow apart?
we are very much in love but how strong does that need to be? Am I just noticing everything more? I know time heals all wounds and it will all come out in the wash but will i do and say things i regret before that? Will I hurt him by trying to drag him with me because I feel like it is the best thing to do OR will I say little bitchy things that make me look horrible? OR will i say nothing and slowly drift off to somewhere else - is there anyone there I know?
When i am out at bars not drinking now i notice how vain everyone is, how much they desperately want to be seen. i feel like i want to be seen less and yet I feel so much better inside than I have ever felt. Is it just that i am in a new cult instead of the old one? Everyone has a vice or two or a regime or two, there are so many rules its exhausting. Is my brain working overtime?
I desperately want to help my boyfriend i feel like he is lost and needs a hand to hold but it is not my right, everyone has to make their own path….I am just not sure if our paths are heading the same way….I have cried every night this week because i don’t know the answer and I feel lost in the same thoughts. I am helpless because i love him there are so many good things about him.
I feel like he is worried about how his drinking effects us but he will never stop and I can’t be sure that what i feel is true anyway. Time moves so slowly when you are waiting for the future. I know i must not wait i must live in the now and grow myself inside so that i am strong and happy and all will feel and be ok but everything seems so sad, lonely and slightly desperate right now.
i also worry because he gets so drunk he doesn’t make much sense and looses things. he also lies when he is wasted and fabricates the truth. i am not sure why, probably loads of people create their own persona which i guess is the same thing is it? my brain hurts…I wish i could just let go. Why do i worry so much?
I don’t know what he wants with his life I feel like every time things are going really well he tries to fuck our relationship. he always says stupid things that make me feel like I can’t trust him. He makes me so angry and sad all at once. he is so afraid of real commitment it scares me. I am sad for our relationship…..
So it has been 3 weeks of non drinking and I feel pretty good. In fact I have moments of feeling fantastically amazing!!
I have still been going out and even went away this weekend and was sober driver. I feel more relaxed, have had loads of laughs and am surprising myself.
Yes I have times when I think just one beer or I would kill for a red wine but thinking of how much better i am feeling stops me. In fact in some small way I am dreading the first few times I drink again and the hangover!
I have been meditating too which I have never done before, sometimes it’s great and other times I am very impatient with it.
Am seeing loads of ranbows too, one a day for the last week which is keeping me happy - love them!
The boy and I are really happy too and living together is going really well. I have my own room for meditation and watching my own TV which is great time out.
Off on our trip in one month - wicked!
The home front is good. Moved my stuff in and am happy and comfortable
lot’s of other stuff has been happening, lot’s of the same thing really. Overworking, over partying, under sleeping and very little chill out time.
So saturday I decided I am going to stop drinking for a while, exercise more, eat fresh food more,want to get outta bed in the morning and hopefully be more smiley.
My management of stress is not working, drinking to block out stress is not working, less exercise is not working.
Hopefully I will feel better, enjoy my weekends more and have more free time not drinking.
I am done trying to control shit that I can’t. I am done worrying about whether or not Tom want’s me in his life because I know he does. I am also done waiting for him to approve my stuff in his house or when my things will arrive. I am living there so I should act like I am!
If I have to move my stuff by myself I will. I will put my paintings up as agreed. If STILL NOTHING IS DONE I might even give the flatmate her deadline date to move by. I don’t want to move out and I don’t want to feel like I have no home so I have no choice but to make my new home….home.
While Tom is in China I am going to have two of his friends over and we are going to put up some of my paintings in the lounge and I will get them to move one of my chairs in too.
It could go either way he may be shocked and annoyed or he will think it is refreshing and fun. I am not fussed what the reaction is as it is my home too.
So really not much has changed accept my attitude towards the situation. I can’t moan if I haven’t made the effort to change things.
So after feeling like I have been to hell and back emotionally I finally feel happy!!
In short the move in with Tom didn’t go as planned and I was not happy. So last night I told him how unhappy I was and why. Let’s just say his eyes are now open. As part of our chat I mentioned that last week i nearly moved out. I also mentioned that the flatmate has till the end of April. Surely this is enough insentive!!
We are moving forward and hopefully we can start to build our new life together.
There are still a few things for him to do as agreed 3mths ago:
He needs to have another conversation with his flatmate and make sure she gets the message LOUD and clear that she has to move and fast.
He has to move my things into the house from his office.
Alongside this WE combine my funriture with his where possible and hopefully without too much bickering!
I might finally be getting somewhere - YEAHAA!!
I am at work and bored shitless.
I struggle with being bored as I am usually an active person and like being busy. It makes it even worse because everyone keeps going on about the recession and needing to look busy!
I am also feeling really sleepy and struggling to look alive….arrhhhh
I have been pretty bad lately at using this site for what it is intended - a diary.
I have decided since I have had so much shit going on in my life lately that I will again start using my diary.
One of the main reasons for this is that I often feel I have no-one to talk to about emotional stuff. What I mean is I have lot’s of people I can talk to but very few who will not judge me or won’t judge my boyfriend if I have complains about the way things are going. The great thing about a diary is that it helps to get it out and it can’t talk back!
I am still struggling with sharing space full time with someone but we are both making more of an effort which has eased things back.
I am working through a lot with my healer than most people wouldn’t understand much makes it difficult to talk to friends about. Because of this I am also quieter these days, am feeling a lot more like being at home and drinking less which is difficult for most people to accept around me. I know part of this is because I am usually larger than life when I go out. But part of the healing is not needing to justify myself to others and it feels good. It feels good not drinking so much too but I am sick of the crappy comments from everyone about it. I am also sick of everything social revolving around drinking!!
It also feels like it is effecting my relationships with friends and my boyfriend as I am changing a bit but for the better. I hope i don’t end up leaving some of them behind….
Work is getting pretty hard with the recession/depression times are going to be tough but I am ready. I am a survivor ready for battle on all sides. It feels like that is what I am faced with at the moment…
Since the big move in I feel like a caged bird, I am moody and am not sure how to snap out of it. We are both so headstrong and neither one of us will back down and both of us always want the last word.
I find this tiring and am catching myself holding my tongue so that a few comments don’t escalate into an arguement.
But why should I monitor my behaviour?
Why should I be the bigger person?
Why should a tiny comment I make end up in world war three?
Men never change for a woman and I don’t want him to but why do I feel like I am changing?
Why do I feel trapped and annoyed?
Some of the reason for this is the fact that I have moved from my own 1 bedroom apartment to a 2 bedroom unit with 3 people. I have lost my solitude, lost a place to be that is mine only. It is hard to work through all this with no-where to think.
I don’t want to feel like I can’t stand the site of someone that I have chosen to live with. I don’t want to be a grumpy cow. But I need to feel like it is my home too. It also feels so serious. Strange for me to feel that something getting serious makes me uncomfortable…
I feel like I might explode
Wow haven’t written on here for ages!
So I moved in with Tom after a year of seeing each other, man it was stressful but it is all done now. Seems strange leaving the apartment I brought and being in a house with three of us but I guess I will get used to it. I also need to make it feel like my home too. Anyway his flatmate will be moving out soon enough and we will have more space.
In July we are also off to see Andrea Bocelli in Tuscany then to Croatia for a month. I can’t wait, will be amazing.
I have been seeing a natural healer which is helping a lot with stress. I have also been more assertive at work, managing my day and how much energy I put into things. All going well and makes a nice change from chasing my tail and feeling hard done by!
My business is in a holding pattern at the moment but will be happing soon, just needed to get the move over with first and clear my head a bit.
Also I have had a month off exercising and am slowly getting back into it which I am sure will be hard work but looking forward to it.
Not bad this year is going to be better than 2008.