My Ramble

It’s all about the good times at the mo! Still I have moments when I see a pic of the ex and feel sad. Most of the time however I am all good. I have forgiven him for being drunk and cruel and all about himself - it wasn’t intensional. I have also forgiven myself for putting up with too much shit and too many bad times. I also remember the good times. But we were two very different people looking for different things in life.

 I don’t feel lonely and I don’t feel unhappy, in-fact I feel the opposite, I relish time alone and I am really enjoying what life has to offer.

All pretty good since we broke up only two months ago! Go me and bring on more joy!

 pps: still love my tattoo!!!

So the day came when I finally joined after years of putting it off.

It has surprised me, I like it more than I expected. I am still getting my head around everything you can do, but learning fast.

So nice to keep in touch with buddies overseas yeah!

6 weeks on and I am feeling great, not what I expected but a welcome surprise! I have been through lots of grieving, crying, tired spells, heavy sadness and have emerged it seems in a happy space.

I have a new flat that I love with lot’s of sun and a deck with an ocean view. have been reading, swimming and chillin with great friends who I missed over the last year. I am really excited about what 2010 has to offer and feel free and lighter.

People say I have lost weight and am looking well. I feel younger.

I now see how wrong we were for each other, he was stuck hiding from his own demons and I wanted to move forward, to fly and enjoy all there is to see. I still worry, wish the best for him but he has to achieve that for himself. I couldn’t stay stagnant waiting for him to deal with his past, if he does….

My advice if you in anyway feel unhappy or stuck in your relationship, don’t settle it isn’t that scarey on the other side! Life is good, don’t miss out on all it can offer!!! Grab hold of your life it is so wonderful x

Ps I am loving my tattoo more and more. sweet

Times have changed big time.

I broke up with my boyfriend of nearly 2 years, 1 month ago and am still learning how to live in my new/old life. It was 100% the best thing for me. turns out he was pretty controlling, drunk and cruel. Took me a while to figure it all out but I am so glad I did. Funny how love is blind.

Yes of course there were good times and I now miss those but there were far too many bad.

So many thoughts have been kicking around in my brain since…

How did I get myself into such a distructive relationship? Why, there are a lot of why questions….why was he so controlling, why does he drink too much, why did I put up with even half of it, why hasn’t he tried to get help, why is he so scared, why go out with someone you want to control, why couldn’t he be a man once and say I fucked up I love you, why did he let me down, why is life so cruel?

If those are the cons these are the pros. I feel a sense of relief, I love my new flat and feel more at home here than I did the whole time I was living in his flat, I have loads more sun and friends in my life, my friends, my way, I have a life of happiness ahead, I am looking forwards and I am excited about what might be around the corner, I am in charge of my destiny, I am much happier already, I am stronger, braver if that is possible…

I have amazingly hopeful, fun days and I have terribly bad grieving days but I am happy and feel peace. Fuck life is tough but I wouldn’t change a thing you only get one life, one chance.

A few lines from my new fav artist Gin:

Ranbows, lollypops and love

would you wait, would you hold one for me, would you wait here for me…..

I know there is one man waiting out there someone special, romantic, someone who wants me to shine my way xxxxxxxxx

So After the tat healed (which took double the time I was told, sensitive skin maybe?) I realized that the tattooist hadn’t coloured one leaf in!! Also two of the three flowers were not as bright pink as the other one.

So I had to go in for another 25min session arrrhh!! I was even less prepared for this and a little resentful at having to go back. Would have been nice if he had just nailed it the first time. Anyway I did it and it is finally all healed, I never have to do it again and I don’t think I will.

Still strange, still love it, still feel different, still feel braver, still could take it or leave it some moments, still haven’t told the folks, still wonder what it will be like when I am old, still can’t stop staring at other peoples tattoos, still noticing how many people are tattooed.

A word of advice if you are fussy, a perfectionist, a scaredy cat, or none of the above, think it over for a while before you dive it and get one…

Last Saturday 12th September I got my first tattoo.

It is a very strange experience and I am surprised that so many people get them without much thought. The pain is very unlike what I expected and quite hard to explain. It feels like when you were a kid and someone scratched you really deeply. Some of the pain feels like that, some parts hurt 3 times as much and some parts hurt less. Getting the outline done is much better than the colouring in. Part of my design was under my arm which was very painful.

I had thought about getting one for around 12 years but couldn’t commit to what, where and actually being brave enough. Turns out I was really brave.

Nothing could have prepared me for the whole process. It looks so different now that it is actually done. Different to what I expected but I am a complete perfectionist! I got it in a place where most people won’t see it because it’s just for me. I feel different too, tougher, braver, ready to take on anything, but I am just the same really.

It still hurts 3 days on and I am not sleeping that well but the pain will be over soon. It really is such a difficult thing to describe. I look at it and it doesn’t look or feel real. Some parts I love and in general I am happy. There are parts I might change if I could but I never regret anything and at times I love it. Who knows, who cares can’t change it now and It was an experience I wanted to experience in my life.

I don’t think I will get another one though – it doesn’t tickle!

I am feeling much better after the last post.

Remember this is a very honest diary that would usually be personal. So once stuff is written down It is out and usually dealt with by me. Ups and downs are normal in life and it is how we deal with them that matters. Nothing I feel is taken too seriously or effects me long term. I feel it, process it then throw the feeling away.

Today I feel magical, light and happy.

The crystal creating rainbows in my bedroom is helping!!

I have been off drinking for around 4 months.

I have got rid of my work stress and am enjoying my life in the now but there are always more mountains to climb…

 I know that my relationship will go one of two ways….and i live in fear

We will grow closer together through the constantness of my progressing towards a happier life OR

We will grow apart because I will realize we are not heading in the same direction.

At the moment because I am not drinking I am noticing his drinking more - how much he drinks and how harmful it is to him. I don’t want to change him and I know I can’t. I feel like a nag and a bore. I feel like he sees me as no fun and i am jealous, worried he will find his drinking friends more fun than me. I feel sad because I can see he drinks to block out stress, he is not even there when is drunk as he drinks so much so quickly. I don’t want to watch him drinking anymore. 

 we are both very independent does this mean he will go out partying more and more and i will hibernate more? Will I start to resent him? he is also quite angry when he drinks which is not nice to be around because you can never say much without it being taken the wrong way. Am i going crazy? I never planned to give up drinking forever but I am enjoying not being drunk. It can be a bit of a lonely place though because there are so few of us non drinkers.

I am also becoming jealous and suspicious of him - characteristics i am not used to seeing in myself. we have one life in the morning/early afternoon (until his first drink) and we have another life after that. i feel like i need to be somewhere else when he is too drunk now because he is so obnoxious and embarrassing. If i re-bell against this other life at night and start to do my own thing will he get worse? will I eventually be happier doing other things? Will he miss me? am I too much of a control freak? 

At the same time I feel pure, more joyous, less stressed, enjoy being on my own and a lot happier. but will he come with me or will we grow apart?

we are very much in love but how strong does that need to be? Am I just noticing everything more? I know time heals all wounds and it will all come out in the wash but will i do and say things i regret before that? Will I hurt him by trying to drag him with me because I feel like it is the best thing to do OR will I say little bitchy things that make me look horrible? OR will i say nothing and slowly drift off to somewhere else - is there anyone there I know?

When i am out at bars not drinking now i notice how vain everyone is, how much they desperately want to be seen. i feel like i want to be seen less and yet I feel so much better inside than I have ever felt. Is it just that i am in a new cult instead of the old one? Everyone has a vice or two or a regime or two, there are so many rules its exhausting. Is my brain working overtime?

I desperately want to help my boyfriend i feel like he is lost and needs a hand to hold but it is not my right, everyone has to make their own path….I am just not sure if our paths are heading the same way….I have cried every night this week because i don’t know the answer and I feel lost in the same thoughts. I am helpless because i love him there are so many good things about him.

I feel like he is worried about how his drinking effects us but he will never stop and I can’t be sure that what i feel is true anyway. Time moves so slowly when you are waiting for the future. I know i must not wait i must live in the now and grow myself inside so that i am strong and happy and all will feel and be ok but everything seems so sad, lonely and slightly desperate right now. 

i also worry because he gets so drunk he doesn’t make much sense and looses things. he also lies when he is wasted and fabricates the truth. i am not sure why, probably loads of people create their own persona which i guess is the same thing is it? my brain hurts…I wish i could just let go. Why do i worry so much?

 I don’t know what he wants with his life I feel like every time things are going really well he tries to fuck our relationship. he always says stupid things that make me feel like I can’t trust him. He makes me so angry and sad all at once. he is so afraid of real commitment it scares me. I am sad for our relationship…..

So it has been 3 weeks of non drinking and I feel pretty good. In fact I have moments of feeling fantastically amazing!!

I have still been going out and even went away this weekend and was sober driver. I feel more relaxed, have had loads of laughs and am surprising myself.  

Yes I have times when I think just one beer or I would kill for a red wine but thinking of how much better i am feeling stops me. In fact in some small way I am dreading the first few times I drink again and the hangover!

I have been meditating too which I have never done before, sometimes it’s great and other times I am very impatient with it.

Am seeing loads of ranbows too, one a day for the last week which is keeping me happy - love them!

The boy and I are really happy too and living together is going really well. I have my own room for meditation and watching my own TV which is great time out.

Off on our trip in one month - wicked!

The home front is good. Moved my stuff in and am happy and comfortable

lot’s of other stuff has been happening, lot’s of the same thing really. Overworking, over partying, under sleeping and very little chill out time.  

So saturday I decided I am going to stop drinking for a while, exercise more, eat fresh food more,want to get outta bed in the morning and hopefully be more smiley.

My management of stress is not working, drinking to block out stress is not working, less exercise is not working. 

Hopefully I will feel better, enjoy my weekends more and have more free time not drinking.