My Ramble

Arrhh the Brazilian/Hollywood wax. I find them extremely painful and often wonder why grooming for women has become so over the top and yet I am hooked with the results…

I hear my threapist say “some women don’t feel the pain at all” - who are you and can I trade places with you?

I have been getting waxed for years - perhaps even a decade (am I that old?). There are the obvious benefits but everytime I get up on that table I think why am I here and where is the valium?

The other aspect I feel quite odd about is the fact that as the years have gone on the therapist’s  have got more stuck in. Today during my Hollywood wax I decided that in the last year all the wax’s I have had have been way more intimate than the old days.

Are therapist’s  taking it to far? I am being nudged very close to my confort zone. I am not easily intimdated and not particularly shy about these things but often I wonder if they have seen more of me than most of my Doctors or boyfriends! I definately find it more uncomfortable than having a smear!

I am a perfectionist myself but things have gone too far! Pressing one’s feet sole to sole while the therapist spreads hot wax on my inner folds is not my idea of a hot lunch date!

“We can’t even choose a fucking lampshade together” This is what my ex said and he was right. We were two really different people wanting different things. He made me feel trapped and controlled and I challenged him at every turn which drove him nuts.”

Maybe your expectations are too high?” Again right. I did expect more from him. So much potential. I expect a lot from life and why not you only get one.

I am so glad I am no longer with him, my life is filled with great people and good times!

Rock on the good times in 2010.

Why is it that when you break up you have to go through so many stages afterwards?

The I am beside myself and am going to cry at any minute stage, the life is pretty bad but I am just holding it together, the I am not a complete emotional reck, the I am feeling better but still running though everything in my mind stage, the f*** I feel much better stage, the f*** I feel even better stage but I can’t quite get him out of my thoughts stage, the I am sick of the sound of my own voice talking about getting over him but I am still not sure I want to bang into him stage.

 This is where I am now…

I have been dreaming about him but the dreams are empowering ones. I have been imagining banging into him, seeing his friends and feeling prangs of jealousy when they talk about how he has lost weight and how they had a great night out with him.

But I don’t want him back, I don’t miss him and he needed to loose weight so all good - why the jealousy, the anxious feeling when I think about seeing him? Why am I still avoiding his favourite hang outs even though I would like to hang out there too?

If I am brutally honest it is because he would make me feel nervous, why? Because he always wants to make him self better than everyone else, I feel like he will saying something to make me feel small. I am feeling so good without him I don’t want to be made to feel small - why should I? But he doesn’t own Auckland I have my right to go out - right? I am looking and feeling fabulous so I am going to own it! I am going to go out to his favourite hang out in 1.5 weeks and enjoy myself !

I hope, fingers crossed!

The jury is out for me still.

Maybe I haven’t done enough, maybe it’s just the fact I like to see people and talk to them face to face. Maybe I don’t have enough disposable stuff to say, maybe no one cares what I have to say. I can see that by looking at the stats for this site! I feel like SN can actually be quite anti social.

Anyway what I am trying to say is I feel that SN gives people lot’s of excuses. Excuses not to be outdoors, excuses not to talk to people, excuses to slag people or work or school off, excuses not to do work.

So often I approach a colleague and they are on Facebook, they say “hang on a sec” and I think can’t FB wait this is about work. It makes me furious that people think SN is more important than someone standing in-front of them!

Am I just too serious, do I care more or do young people just not give a shit?

God that makes me sound old!

It’s all about the good times at the mo! Still I have moments when I see a pic of the ex and feel sad. Most of the time however I am all good. I have forgiven him for being drunk and cruel and all about himself - it wasn’t intentional. I have also forgiven myself for putting up with too much shit and too many bad times. I also remember the good times. But we were two very different people looking for different things in life.

 I don’t feel lonely and I don’t feel unhappy, in-fact I feel the opposite, I relish time alone and I am really enjoying what life has to offer.

All pretty good since we broke up only two months ago! Go me and bring on more joy!

 pps: still love my tattoo!!!

So the day came when I finally joined after years of putting it off.

It has surprised me, I like it more than I expected. I am still getting my head around everything you can do, but learning fast.

So nice to keep in touch with buddies overseas yeah!

6 weeks on and I am feeling great, not what I expected but a welcome surprise! I have been through lots of grieving, crying, tired spells, heavy sadness and have emerged it seems in a happy space.

I have a new flat that I love with lot’s of sun and a deck with an ocean view. have been reading, swimming and chillin with great friends who I missed over the last year. I am really excited about what 2010 has to offer and feel free and lighter.

People say I have lost weight and am looking well. I feel younger.

I now see how wrong we were for each other, he was stuck hiding from his own demons and I wanted to move forward, to fly and enjoy all there is to see. I still worry, wish the best for him but he has to achieve that for himself. I couldn’t stay stagnant waiting for him to deal with his past, if he does….

My advice if you in anyway feel unhappy or stuck in your relationship, don’t settle it isn’t that scarey on the other side! Life is good, don’t miss out on all it can offer!!! Grab hold of your life it is so wonderful x

Ps I am loving my tattoo more and more. sweet

Times have changed big time.

I broke up with my boyfriend of nearly 2 years, 1 month ago and am still learning how to live in my new/old life. It was 100% the best thing for me. turns out he was pretty controlling, drunk and cruel. Took me a while to figure it all out but I am so glad I did. Funny how love is blind.

Yes of course there were good times and I now miss those but there were far too many bad.

So many thoughts have been kicking around in my brain since…

How did I get myself into such a distructive relationship? Why, there are a lot of why questions….why was he so controlling, why does he drink too much, why did I put up with even half of it, why hasn’t he tried to get help, why is he so scared, why go out with someone you want to control, why couldn’t he be a man once and say I fucked up I love you, why did he let me down, why is life so cruel?

If those are the cons these are the pros. I feel a sense of relief, I love my new flat and feel more at home here than I did the whole time I was living in his flat, I have loads more sun and friends in my life, my friends, my way, I have a life of happiness ahead, I am looking forwards and I am excited about what might be around the corner, I am in charge of my destiny, I am much happier already, I am stronger, braver if that is possible…

I have amazingly hopeful, fun days and I have terribly bad grieving days but I am happy and feel peace. Fuck life is tough but I wouldn’t change a thing you only get one life, one chance.

A few lines from my new fav artist Gin:

Ranbows, lollypops and love

would you wait, would you hold one for me, would you wait here for me…..

I know there is one man waiting out there someone special, romantic, someone who wants me to shine my way xxxxxxxxx

So After the tat healed (which took double the time I was told, sensitive skin maybe?) I realized that the tattooist hadn’t coloured one leaf in!! Also two of the three flowers were not as bright pink as the other one.

So I had to go in for another 25min session arrrhh!! I was even less prepared for this and a little resentful at having to go back. Would have been nice if he had just nailed it the first time. Anyway I did it and it is finally all healed, I never have to do it again and I don’t think I will.

Still strange, still love it, still feel different, still feel braver, still could take it or leave it some moments, still haven’t told the folks, still wonder what it will be like when I am old, still can’t stop staring at other peoples tattoos, still noticing how many people are tattooed.

A word of advice if you are fussy, a perfectionist, a scaredy cat, or none of the above, think it over for a while before you dive it and get one…

Last Saturday 12th September I got my first tattoo.

It is a very strange experience and I am surprised that so many people get them without much thought. The pain is very unlike what I expected and quite hard to explain. It feels like when you were a kid and someone scratched you really deeply. Some of the pain feels like that, some parts hurt 3 times as much and some parts hurt less. Getting the outline done is much better than the colouring in. Part of my design was under my arm which was very painful.

I had thought about getting one for around 12 years but couldn’t commit to what, where and actually being brave enough. Turns out I was really brave.

Nothing could have prepared me for the whole process. It looks so different now that it is actually done. Different to what I expected but I am a complete perfectionist! I got it in a place where most people won’t see it because it’s just for me. I feel different too, tougher, braver, ready to take on anything, but I am just the same really.

It still hurts 3 days on and I am not sleeping that well but the pain will be over soon. It really is such a difficult thing to describe. I look at it and it doesn’t look or feel real. Some parts I love and in general I am happy. There are parts I might change if I could but I never regret anything and at times I love it. Who knows, who cares can’t change it now and It was an experience I wanted to experience in my life.

I don’t think I will get another one though – it doesn’t tickle!