My Ramble

So it has been 3 weeks of non drinking and I feel pretty good. In fact I have moments of feeling fantastically amazing!!

I have still been going out and even went away this weekend and was sober driver. I feel more relaxed, have had loads of laughs and am surprising myself.  

Yes I have times when I think just one beer or I would kill for a red wine but thinking of how much better i am feeling stops me. In fact in some small way I am dreading the first few times I drink again and the hangover!

I have been meditating too which I have never done before, sometimes it’s great and other times I am very impatient with it.

Am seeing loads of ranbows too, one a day for the last week which is keeping me happy - love them!

The boy and I are really happy too and living together is going really well. I have my own room for meditation and watching my own TV which is great time out.

Off on our trip in one month - wicked!

The home front is good. Moved my stuff in and am happy and comfortable

lot’s of other stuff has been happening, lot’s of the same thing really. Overworking, over partying, under sleeping and very little chill out time.  

So saturday I decided I am going to stop drinking for a while, exercise more, eat fresh food more,want to get outta bed in the morning and hopefully be more smiley.

My management of stress is not working, drinking to block out stress is not working, less exercise is not working. 

Hopefully I will feel better, enjoy my weekends more and have more free time not drinking. 

I am done trying to control shit that I can’t. I am done worrying about whether or not Tom want’s me in his life because I know he does. I am also done waiting for him to approve my stuff in his house or when my things will arrive. I am living there so I should act like I am!

If I have to move my stuff by myself I will. I will put my paintings up as agreed. If STILL NOTHING IS DONE I might even give the flatmate her deadline date to move by. I don’t want to move out and I don’t want to feel like I have no home so I have no choice but to make my new home….home.

While Tom is in China I am going to have two of his friends over and we are going to put up some of my paintings in the lounge and I will get them to move one of my chairs in too.

It could go either way he may be shocked and annoyed or he will think it is refreshing and fun. I am not fussed what the reaction is as it is my home too.

So really not much has changed accept my attitude towards the situation. I can’t moan if I haven’t made the effort to change things.

So after feeling like I have been to hell and back emotionally I finally feel happy!!

In short the move in with Tom didn’t go as planned and I was not happy. So last night I told him how unhappy I was and why. Let’s just say his eyes are now open. As part of our chat I mentioned that last week i nearly moved out. I also mentioned that the flatmate has till the end of April. Surely this is enough insentive!! 

We are moving forward and hopefully we can start to build our new life together.

 There are still a few things for him to do as agreed 3mths ago:

He needs to have another conversation with his flatmate and make sure she gets the message LOUD and clear that she has to move and fast.

He has to move my things into the house from his office.

Alongside this WE combine my funriture with his where possible and hopefully without too much bickering!

I might finally be getting somewhere - YEAHAA!!

I am at work and bored shitless.

I struggle with being bored as I am usually an active person and like being busy. It makes it even worse because everyone keeps going on about the recession and needing to look busy!

I am also feeling really sleepy and struggling to look alive….arrhhhh 

I have been pretty bad lately at using this site for what it is intended - a diary.

I have decided since I have had so much shit going on in my life lately that I will again start using my diary. 

One of the main reasons for this is that I often feel I have no-one to talk to about emotional stuff. What I mean is I have lot’s of people I can talk to but very few who will not judge me or won’t judge my boyfriend if I have complains about the way things are going. The great thing about a diary is that it helps to get it out and it can’t talk back! 

I am still struggling with sharing space full time with someone but we are both making more of an effort which has eased things back. 

I am working through a lot with my healer than most people wouldn’t understand much makes it difficult to talk to friends about. Because of this I am also quieter these days, am feeling a lot more like being at home and drinking less which is difficult for most people to accept around me. I know part of this is because I am usually larger than life when I go out. But part of the healing is not needing to justify myself to others and it feels good. It feels good not drinking so much too but I am sick of the crappy comments from everyone about it. I am also sick of everything social revolving around drinking!! 

It also feels like it is effecting my relationships with friends and my boyfriend as I am changing a bit but for the better. I hope i don’t end up leaving some of them behind….

Work is getting pretty hard with the recession/depression times are going to be tough but I am ready. I am a survivor ready for battle on all sides. It feels like that is what I am faced with at the moment…  

Since the big move in I feel like a caged bird, I am moody and am not sure how to snap out of it. We are both so headstrong and neither one of us will back down and both of us always want the last word.

I find this tiring and am catching myself holding my tongue so that a few comments don’t escalate into an arguement.

But why should I monitor my behaviour?

Why should I be the bigger person?

Why should a tiny comment I make end up in world war three?

Men never change for a woman and I don’t want him to but why do I feel like I am changing?

Why do I feel trapped and annoyed?

Some of the reason for this is the fact that I have moved from my own 1 bedroom apartment to a 2 bedroom unit with 3 people. I have lost my solitude, lost a place to be that is mine only. It is hard to work through all this with no-where to think. 

I don’t want to feel like I can’t stand the site of someone that I have chosen to live with. I don’t want to be a grumpy cow. But I need to feel like it is my home too. It also feels so serious. Strange for me to feel that something getting serious makes me uncomfortable…

I feel like I might explode 

Wow haven’t written on here for ages!

So I moved in with Tom after a year of seeing each other, man it was stressful but it is all done now. Seems strange leaving the apartment I brought and being in a house with three of us but I guess I will get used to it. I also need to make it feel like my home too. Anyway his flatmate will be moving out soon enough and we will have more space.

In July we are also off to see Andrea Bocelli in Tuscany then to Croatia for a month. I can’t wait, will be amazing.

I have been seeing a natural healer which is helping a lot with stress. I have also been more assertive at work, managing my day and how much energy I put into things.  All going well and makes a nice change from chasing my tail and feeling hard done by!

 My business is in a holding pattern at the moment but will be happing soon, just needed to get the move over with first and clear my head a bit.

Also I have had a month off exercising and am slowly getting back into it which I am sure will be hard work but looking forward to it. 

 Not bad this year is going to be better than 2008. 

I am very hungover, in fact I feel like I am dying. things are all good though. I have found someone to build my website for my business which is very exciting as he is as interested as I am with the concept. I am trying to do more for me in my life - saying no to people’s silly and over the top demands at work and relaxing, letting my mind stop more. Feels good. I feel more alive and happier. My boyfriend is all good too, still have our ups and downs as we are both very headstrong but who doesn’t. Looking forward to getting away for a week to Taupo for New Years and lot’s of time on the boat and chilling out. Christmas is here and I am a year older. Ready for 2009 it’s going to be a good one!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL 

Work has been a total trial for the last 3 weeks. I am so over the whole thing. Dreaming of having my own company or traveling and getting out of advertising! That will be the day! I also have two friends who are in the baby zone. One is pregnant and the other just given birth. Also quite a few of my boyfriend’s friends have babies/kids too. This is making me quite clucky. I have been clucky for a while but since these two friends are very close to me I am extremely excited and somehow if feels more real!! I am still not ready to pop one out but when is anyone ready? But I am convinced it will be in the next 3 years though! Maybe it is nearly time for me to hang up the advertising hat and have some other priorities? Or maybe I am just overworked?